I've Been a Drag

Lately, I've been a drag.

Like the fog that obscures the view of a picturesque scene.

Darn it.

I know it's true.

I've spent most of the holiday season working and filling in for friends who needed a ski weekend or a getaway of their own.  

I've seen posts on Facebook of glorious vacations and captured moments of friends who have the luxury of spending their days with their children and family members.

I've envied them for their flexible schedules and I've missed the sweet, unplanned moments with my own children.

I've been a drag.

When Gregg and I combined our families over 4 years ago, I had only a small idea of what I was getting into.  Even though I was scared to death to take on his oldest daughter who struggled with substance abuse, I loved this sweet man with my entire heart and simply could not imagine him traveling that road alone. We committed to one another and a quest to raise all 6 of our children to the very best of our combined parenting capabilities.  

The journey has been a lesson in breathing, breathing again, and then breathing a bit deeper.

Overall, our children have been easy to raise (relatively speaking).

They range in age now from 10-20 years.

Five of the six still live at home and everyone seems to be healthy and growing.

When we combined our families, it became necessary for me to return to work.  

A family of eight (with 5 teens) requires an incredible amount of food, attention, love, and money.

We've managed to squeak by, but I'm tired.

Really tired.

Honestly, I've hit the "about to cry" point of tired. 

A close friend pointed out to me that I've stopped taking care of myself as I've focused on the needs of our family over the past four years. She urged me to find balance somehow.  She is right. 

My bathroom scale confirms it.

I'm unhealthy, worn, and a bit broken.

All of this sets the scene for becoming a drag, and I'm sad to say that lately I've been just that.

I understand that people need friends and support groups to vent to when life feels heavy.

However, there is a very fine line between venting now and then and becoming a toxin in other's lives.

I don't believe that toxin is too strong of a word choice here.

We all know people who consider themselves a victim of life's circumstances.

They focus on the negative, talk about how things should have been different and generally walk around with an umbrella just waiting for the next rainstorm. 

They bring everyone else down and steal the sunshine others work so vehemently to produce.

After my divorce, I weeded a few of my toxic friends from my friendship garden.

I've needed to tend to that garden from time to time since then.

I've tried to nurture and grow my healthy friendships.

I've limited my accessibility or entirely nipped the friendships that suck the life out of me with their constant need to be watered and pruned and pampered, only to produce more negativity.

Happiness is a habit.

Happiness is a choice. 

I do not have room in my life for people who do not attempt to spread light,

or worse yet... people who are comfortable blanketing themselves in their own suffering.

I've been a drag.

So, this morning I made the choice to not become a toxin to my family and self.

I pulled my hefty booty out of bed at 5:45 and started my day at the gym. 

Not to fulfill some resolution.

Not to begin training for an event I have no real interest in ever participating in.

Not as a means of gathering "Atta Girls" from others.

But as a gesture of saying, "Yes" to being gentler to myself. 

I'm saying, "Yes" to choosing happiness.

I'm saying, "Yes" because I am choosing to close the door on being a drag.

The pity party is over.

C'mon, get happy!

Wishing you all a happy, healthy New Year!

Love, Live, and Create with intention,

Kristi